Do you believe that there is a "plan" for us? I'm not a religious person, but I do believe there is a higher power at work. I just can't name it. Is it God (or another deity), is it Fate, is it Karma? Is it all of the above?
How do we know if we are making the choices we are supposed to be making? I look back and think about certain choices I've made, and I know that my life would be entirely different had I chosen to take a different path. But I must be where I am for a reason, right? Not much has changed from a couple posts ago. I still love my job (for the most part) but the rest is mediocre. I'm still single. I'm still trying to figure out how a single mom in a new town gets out and meets people. I've been here almost 8 years... I suppose I should have that figured out... but I don't.
I realize that fear has dictated a lot of the choices I've made. Fear of failure, and at the same time, fear of success. Maybe I'm supposed to have a mediocre life, but I find that hard to believe. Shouldn't we all find our happy? I don't mean disgustingly giddy or excessively ecstatic, but some form of contentment without being indifferent.
I haven't had an easy life. I've gone through a lot of shit that people really shouldn't have to go through. But there are a lot of people out there that have gone through a lot worse. So how do I find that happy? I keep getting told that in order to find someone, I need to be happy by myself. "Stop looking" I'm told over and over and over again. "He'll come around when you least expect it" they say. I wouldn't say I'm looking. If I'm not actively trying to meet someone, does that mean I'm looking? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying my happiness lies with a man. But it wouldn't hurt. At least not a good relationship.
Where else could I find my happy? In doing the things I like to do, perhaps. I miss theatre. I have a guitar that calls my name every day! "Learn me! Play me! LOVE me!" I'd like to travel, and explore, and go on adventures. What stops me? Fear. Again.
I guess the real question - rather than how do I find my happy - is how do I beat the fear. Hmmm .... I suppose that's a topic for another day!
Friday, December 18, 2015
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
All the feels
I cried last night. I don't really know what started it, but I cried. I cried until I couldn't breathe. The tears just kept coming. There seemed to be no stopping them. I sobbed, I wailed, I cried until I fell asleep. My pillow was soaked. My eyes were puffy. And I still cried. I even cried in my dreams.
At some point in all the crying I realized that I haven't cried in months. I used to cry at the drop of a hat. The last time I cried was at my Grandpa's celebration of life.
Why have I all of the sudden stopped crying? Have I grown up? I'm 39, I would hope I've grown up. But I don't think the crying had much to do with age or maturity. So what has changed? Have I gotten too jaded to cry? Sometimes a good cry helps. A big, snot filled, blubbering cry.
I wonder if all of the motivational posts saying that we shouldn't care what other people say about us are actually working against us. "Do what makes you happy." "Don't be concerned with the opinion of others." Have we become so unconcerned with other people's feelings that we forget to have our own?
This makes me wonder what other emotions (If we call crying an emotion) I've been missing out on. I like to tell myself I'm a fairly positive person. But am I? Is that why I haven't cried in so long, because I see everything rose coloured? I don't think so. When I said I'd cry at the drop of a hat, I meant it. Sad, happy, angry, it didn't matter.
Maybe instead of actually being the positive person I think I am, I'm actually just .... nothing. Maybe I'm just going through life in a "meh" state of mind.
I feel emotionally tired today. And yet, I still feel on the verge of tears. But here I am, writing. For the first time in, well, a REALLY long time. And I find myself wondering if I need to allow myself to feel the sadness so that I can appreciate the happy times. Even the small happy times. Maybe that's why I haven't written in so long. I couldn't FEEL anything, so how could I write?
I'm going to give myself permission to feel. Everything. I'm going to allow myself to smile, to cry, to laugh. To write!
At some point in all the crying I realized that I haven't cried in months. I used to cry at the drop of a hat. The last time I cried was at my Grandpa's celebration of life.
Why have I all of the sudden stopped crying? Have I grown up? I'm 39, I would hope I've grown up. But I don't think the crying had much to do with age or maturity. So what has changed? Have I gotten too jaded to cry? Sometimes a good cry helps. A big, snot filled, blubbering cry.
I wonder if all of the motivational posts saying that we shouldn't care what other people say about us are actually working against us. "Do what makes you happy." "Don't be concerned with the opinion of others." Have we become so unconcerned with other people's feelings that we forget to have our own?
This makes me wonder what other emotions (If we call crying an emotion) I've been missing out on. I like to tell myself I'm a fairly positive person. But am I? Is that why I haven't cried in so long, because I see everything rose coloured? I don't think so. When I said I'd cry at the drop of a hat, I meant it. Sad, happy, angry, it didn't matter.
Maybe instead of actually being the positive person I think I am, I'm actually just .... nothing. Maybe I'm just going through life in a "meh" state of mind.
I feel emotionally tired today. And yet, I still feel on the verge of tears. But here I am, writing. For the first time in, well, a REALLY long time. And I find myself wondering if I need to allow myself to feel the sadness so that I can appreciate the happy times. Even the small happy times. Maybe that's why I haven't written in so long. I couldn't FEEL anything, so how could I write?
I'm going to give myself permission to feel. Everything. I'm going to allow myself to smile, to cry, to laugh. To write!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)